


Firsts

by respoftw



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: First Time, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 19:30:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5714398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/respoftw/pseuds/respoftw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Looking back, Finn should have realised that the First Order had been drugging him.</p><p>Finn had definitely classed what happened that morning as out of the ordinary but, as the past hour of excruciating embarrassment had shown, there were still some things about his body he needed to learn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Firsts

Looking back, Finn should have realised that the First Order had been drugging him. A cocktail of pharmaceuticals to keep them healthy, keep them in line and keep them down. The medics on D'Qar had cautioned him to be on alert for any lingering side effects as they couldn't be sure how long the drugs would take to leave his symptom.

"Be aware of anything out of the ordinary," they had said. "If anything unusual occurs come and see us immediately."

Finn had definitely classed what happened that morning as out of the ordinary but, as the past hour of excruciating embarrassment had shown, there were still some things about his body he needed to learn.

It's not that Finn hadn't heard of intimacy, of course he had. Even under the watchful eyes of the Order there were those soldiers that found respite in each other. It would seem, though, that those who had not been subjected to libido suppressing drugs for their entire lives did a little more to express intimacy than holding hands or holding each other close.

He doesn't think he's ever felt so stupid, watching the medical professional in front of him bite the inside of their cheeks to keep from laughing. At _him_. At how clueless he is about what is apparently a basic human function. Stars, he hates the First Order.

He can't look anyone in the eyes for the rest of the day, eventually escaping to his bunk to flee the imagined stares and non-existent whisperings about the useless ex-Stormtrooper who had to be told what the thing between his legs was for.

It's not until much later that the real tragedy of it all sinks in.

_Poe._

He'd heard the squadron tease Poe about his easy way with people, "five galaxies Poe" they sometimes called him, a companion on every base. He still remembers the way Poe had scowled at them, the way he had pulled Finn aside to explain that he's not been like that since he was much younger, the way his dark eyes had seemed to burn with promises as he assured Finn that there was no one else.

_Stupid._

Finn _knows_ now what they meant and it's so much more than he had thought it was. So far beyond anything he has experienced that it makes him want to cry.

How could he make Poe happy? How could Poe possibly want someone as inexperienced and uneducated as him?

He _couldn't_. Poe _couldn't_.

Finn doesn't get any sleep that night.

He watches people more closely after that, watches how they interact and how casual they are with their affection, with their touch. He learns how people look when they are sexually attracted to someone, catalogues the way that the eyes linger and the lips moisten.

Realising he can see those signs when Poe looks at him is the single most terrifying moment of Finn's life.

He retreats.

Poe's face falls the first time Finn backs up from a hug, crumples in a sort of sadness that Finn feels like a lightsaber to the back. Rey asks him what's wrong, BB-8 beeps quizzically at him - no matter that Finn has never got the hang of deciphering the droid - but Poe doesn't push. Poe would never push, probably couldn't even conceive of it, and Finn tries to tell himself it's for the best when Poe stops touching him.

He didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much when you see them every day.

Poe is leaving on a mission and Finn stands with Rey and General Organa as he says his goodbyes, watches with a burning pain in his chest as Poe envelops the women in a crushing hug, has to stop from throwing himself into Poe's arms when he extends a hand for Finn to shake instead.

Finn stands on the airfield for a long time after the X-wings had left; watching the horizon where Poe had disappeared. It's as he trudges back to his bunk that he notices the cadet watching him. Eyes sweeping over his body in appreciation, mouth quirking up in approval.

Finn freezes, a klaxon going off in his mind, as he realises that there's an easy way out of this misery.

He knows that he's too inexperienced to be with Poe but he doesn't _have_ to be. He could "experience" with someone else, just to find out how it works, so he knows what he's doing. With someone who it won't matter with.

Finn makes eye contact with the cadet, making sure to smile widely, and that's really all it takes.

It's horrible. It's fast and hard and painful and uncomfortable and Finn really doesn't understand why people enjoy this. The pain fades after a while and it starts to feel almost good but then the cadet - he never did get his name - roars his release into him before pulling out, clapping him on the shoulder and leaving him hard and unsatisfied.

Finn grimaces, pulls up his pants and slowly makes his way back to his bunk.

He goes to sleep with a smile on his face. At least he knows what to expect from Poe now, maybe he can finally let himself be happy.

Pounding on his door wakes him and he rushes to open it, frowning in concern as Rey frantically pushes her way into his room.

"Finn? Tell me you didn't." Rey pleads with him.

"What? Rey, I have no idea what you're talking about. Tell you I didn't what?"

"Tell me you didn't have sex with that..with that nerf herder!"

Finn pales, his skin turning an ashy grey as understanding dawns on him. "How do you know about that?" he hisses.

"Oh, Finn." Rey's anger is gone and replaced with a quiet, sympathetic tone. "I'm so, so sorry but he's going around the base telling everyone that will listen about how he fu-, how he slept with the.." Rey hesitates and Finn braces himself. "With the ex-Order scum."

He's heard it whispered in the halls before, it shouldn't still shake him like this but Finn feels his stomach lurch and suddenly finds himself heaving last nights dinner down the sanitation chute.

Rey rubs circles into his back as he trembles, hunched over and humiliated.

"You want me to beat him up?" She asks, forcing a rasped laugh out of him.

"Is that really what you should be using the Force for?" Finn smiles despite himself as he looks into Rey's fiercely protective eyes.

"Please, I wouldn't even need the Force to mop the floor with him."

Finn reaches over and pulls Rey close, dropping a fond kiss on the top of her head. "I love you, but I think I need to sort this out myself. Any idea where he is now? Or, uh, what his name is?"

Rey looks incredibly disapproving as she glares at him but manages to refrain from telling him off. "It's Apus." She says witheringly. "He was holding court down in Hangar 12."

Finn nods in thanks and sets off towards Hangar 12 with a determined look on his face.

A million different scenarios had played through Finn's head as he made his way down to the hangars. The cadet - Apus - surrounded by a crowd of cronies, all of them laughing as he regales them with tales of Finn's inadequacy; The Resistance fighters all lined up, shaking Apus' hand as they congratulated him for taking one for the team.

What he hadn't expected to see was a wild and furious looking Poe, still in his flight suit, being held back by Snap as Apus sat dazed on the ground, wiping the blood from his mouth with a shaky hand.

"- you'll be lucky if they let you fly a damn B-wing when I'm done with you." Poe yells. "You dare to call him scum? I've got crap on the bottom of my boot that's worth more than you! If I ever hear you talk like that again, or - so-help-me-stars, if you ever even _think_ about touching him again, you won't live to regret it. Now get out of my sight before I break Snap's hold."

Apus bolts from the room, avoiding Finn's gaze as he passes by him.

The entire hangar is focused on him now and Finn doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to explain things to anyone, to _Poe_.

He does the next best thing and flees back to his room.

That could have worked out better, he thinks as he sinks onto his bunk, finally alone. Head in his hands, he laughs at the complete and utter mess he's made because the only other alternative is to curl up and cry. There's no way Poe would ever want anything to do with him now.

As if summoned by the stray thought, Poe's voice calls through Finn's locked door. "Finn? You wanna let me in or am I gonna have to explain to General Organa why she needs to buy a new door for bunk 17?"

Finn opens the door and tenses as Poe settles on the bed next to him, waiting for the blow to come.

"I'm sorry." Poe begins, surprising Finn. "That wasn't my fight and I shouldn't have gotten involved and I definitely shouldn't have hit - no, actually I definitely _should've_ hit him - but I should have let you handle it yourself and....yeah, it just surprised me. I mean, I sort of thought that we maybe had a something between us but then you backed off and I respected that. I _do_ respect that. But then you go and..with him and just, was it all in my head? You and me, did I imagine that?"

"No, you didn't." Finn shakes his head, struggling to comprehend just how badly he'd screwed this up. "I was scared." He trails off, not sure of what he can say to make this better but then Poe's hand reaches out and their fingers are tangled together and Finn forgets what fear is. "In the Order, we were - I think the words the doc used was chemically castrated." Poe draws in a breath, presses closer and Finn feels like he could take on the whole world as long as Poe is by his side. "I didn't want to be a disappointment to you. I wanted to be good enough, I wanted to - -"

Poe interrupts. "Has anyone ever told you that you're kind of an idiot? I don't care about any of that. How could I ever, _ever_ , be disappointed with you? You're all I want, Finn. Every part of you."

Finn winces as Poe presses agains the bruises left by Apus and Poe's brow darkens in barely contained rage as he sees the purple fingermarks dotted into Finn's skin.

"It's fine," Finn assures him quickly. "I'm fine, it was just a little harder than I expected it to be."

Poe's eyes soften, even as his voice stays firm. "It's not fine. Your first time shouldn't have been like that. It shouldn't have been him, it shouldn't have been hard. It should've been gently, it should've been slow, it should've been m-"

"You." Finn agrees. "It should've been you."

Poe smiles. "It still can be, if you want me."

Finn presses his lips against Poe's, a soft kiss that he can feel down to his toes. A perfect kiss. A _first_ kiss.

"I want."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I seem to want to write this exact storyline for each pairing I write for, so my apologies for the people reading the same idea for the third time!


End file.
